December 31st

What a year 2009 has been for me.  I have really begun coming out as trans to others.  The past couple of years, I have gone through therapy and have really started coming out to myself.  I have stopped going by my female gendered name, they even call my new name at work.  My goal is to have my legal name change by July!

It took me about a year to really come out to myself.  It was incredibly painful and I realized that I had stuffed most of my childhood memories deep inside and have used food and substances throughout my life to keep from really feeling the pain.  It seems like every time I really express myself the way I am, I am told that it is not okay.  Even to this day, people tell me that I have such feminine features and why do I try to hide them.  It is tiresome.

I went to therapy for about 6 months and my therapist encouraged me to look at the parts of me that are feminine, what do I like about being a woman, what would the impact be to begin living as a man in my 30′s and what would it be like to acknowledge that I am transgendered but to find a place in the middle, to honor my masculinity and femininity.  I did this for a couple of years trying to convince myself that I love my breasts, that I love being a woman, that I am a lesbian.  The fact of the matter is that I am not a woman, I am not a lesbian, I do not like my breasts (I hate them), I do not feel like me in my body.  Not at all.  So, I hide from myself…don’t look in the mirror, I have stopped allowing my girlfriend to touch my breasts and have only allowed her to fuck me a few times since I have known her.  I just can’t be present.  I can’t experience sex in my body and feel okay.  I wish I could for her and in my past would always allow my partners to fuck me because that is what lesbians do right?  I have spent most of my adult life having sexual interactions in which I am not present, in which I dream of a flat chest, of broad arms, of a hard body of looking down and having my outside match my inside.

I have come out to my family and they all know that I am going to be transitioning over the next couple of years.  My mom is very supportive and she really pushes my brother and dad to be cool with it.  They are coming around and I know they love me no matter what.  I know my dad is afraid of what his family will think, but really they haven’t talked to me much since I came out as a lesbian 14 years ago, so I doubt my transition will have a huge impact on them.  My parents live in a conservative midwest community, but are quite liberal, so that helps.  They really are making an effort to call me Sid and they only slip and call me my female gendered name occasionally!   I keep joking with them that it is okay for know, but when I have a beard, they will have to call me Sid…ha ha!

Right now I am in therapy again with a gender specialist.  She is not quick to prescribe T and I like that.  My plan is to go through my name change as well as have my top surgery by next August.  Then I will see how I feel, but am most likely going to start taking T by next October or November.  Perhaps sooner, perhaps later.  I really want to explore what it will be like to live as a man before I make the permanent decision to take T.

This is what I know today:

• I don’t care about going bald – fixing my hair is a pain in the ass
• I really want facial hair – like more than anything
• I don’t care about body hair.  I stopped shaving my legs and they are VERY hairy.  I love, love, love them
• I don’t want to come out as a “straight male”  I have always been and always will be queer
• I am worried about my relationship with my g/f.  Will she still be attracted to me?
• I am worried about my coworkers and keeping my job
• I am worried that my parents will have to deal with undo stress from my Dad’s side of the family
• I am worried that woman will be afraid of me
• I am not concerned about losing my identity as a lesbian.  I am not a lesbian and don’t really like being identified as one.  People always assume that since I have a female body and date women that I am a lesbian.

I could write all day, but think this is it for now.  Thanks for reading.