January 2nd
Happy New Year everyone! Assuming that there is anyone reading this, which according to the stats there isn’t. No shame in talking to myself – ha ha!
I am excited about this year! I am really looking forward to Top Surgery. I have been thinking about $ though. If I want to have surgery in August, I need to earn /raise/save about $1,000 per month. No fucking way that is going to happen.
My therapist said that some people can get their surgery covered by insurance as a “breast reduction” I do have DD breasts and I do need them reduced…all the way to nothing.
I had a melt down on New Year’s Eve. I have PMS and feel really bloated and my breasts are very sore. My binder was really tight and very painful and my clothes felt too tight too. I wound up not wearing my binder and settling on jeans, black boots, and my favorite Harley hoodie! I had this idea that I should go out in drag and put on a stipple wax beard, but decided that I looked like a fraud and washed it off.
Lately I have days that I don’t even want to leave the house. It is not like I am depressed, I am just done living as a woman. I really want this all behind me, but realize that in many ways I am just at the beginning. I have been climbing up on this steady path and all of sudden I am staring at a huge mountain with no way around but up. This year is going to be difficult and rewarding.
A few old friends from H.S. posted on my Facebook page wishing me happy holidays and they used my old name. It made me feel really bad, but I know they don’t mean anything bad by it. I am also not out as trans to them. I need to figure that one out. I grew up in a really small homophobic town and I am not close to any of those people, just randomly reconnected through social media. I have been thinking of un-friending them and then changing my last name or just not accepting their friend requests. Maybe I am being too harsh though, it is very possible that they don’t give a shit if I am dude. It actually might make sense to them.
I have so much to say about my transition and so much to work out. I feel like I could just ramble all day!
